The Dating Chronicles of the Socially Inept

It's been brought to my attention that I might be the foremost expert when it comes to dating, so I thought I'd impart some of my wisdom onto you kind folks here in the blogospheric realm of the interwebs.

Things you DON'T say when someone is trying to kiss you:
1) Pico de Gallo
             Why are you talking about salsa? WHY. I feel like I could elaborate, but I think you can gather  why talking about salsa is makes little to no sense.
2) "Hoss is dead"
             No one knows what you're talking about. When you say "Hoss is dead" in reference to your phone being dead, no one knows that you're talking about something that happened 10 years ago when you were visiting your father's mentor and his son.
3) Bring up the fact that you just talked about Bonanza
             Why are you talking about visiting your father's mentor and his son? Don't. And if the person you're with doesn't know that you were referencing Bonanza when you talked about Hoss, which he probably doesn't, because he has a life, don't apologize for talking about Bonanza. He had no idea. Just keep going.
4) Sally Field.
              This one is tricky…because she is a goddess. So use your judgement on this one.
5) Ovaries
              I'm not sure why you brought the word ovaries into the conversation. Don't. Even if you're trying to say, "yeah, but you wouldn't really understand, because you don't have ovaries." it's not a good idea. He knows he doesn't have ovaries. Because he's a man. It's not a cute word. Don't say that…or intrauterine…or thrice. Which leads me to item number 6...
6) Talk.
           Just don't talk.

Something else, just as a tip, if you can't find a rubber band, don't try to tie your hair up with a straw. You'll end up looking like MacGruber instead of MacGyver, which is fine, just not super sexy. For the record, I'm not giving these tips because I've done them personally…I'm just saying, they're all things that sound like a bad idea...

DO:
I really haven't gotten that far in my research. Patience.

In other news, I'm going to be back in California this time next week. My first course of action will be to drink Coffee Bean on the beach. The 805 won't know what hit it.