It's been brought to my attention that I might be the foremost expert when it comes to dating, so I thought I'd impart some of my wisdom onto you kind folks here in the blogospheric realm of the interwebs.
Things you DON'T say when someone is trying to kiss you:
1) Pico de Gallo
Why are you talking about salsa? WHY. I feel like I could elaborate, but I think you can gather why talking about salsa is makes little to no sense.
2) "Hoss is dead"
No one knows what you're talking about. When you say "Hoss is dead" in reference to your phone being dead, no one knows that you're talking about something that happened 10 years ago when you were visiting your father's mentor and his son.
3) Bring up the fact that you just talked about Bonanza
Why are you talking about visiting your father's mentor and his son? Don't. And if the person you're with doesn't know that you were referencing Bonanza when you talked about Hoss, which he probably doesn't, because he has a life, don't apologize for talking about Bonanza. He had no idea. Just keep going.
4) Sally Field.
This one is tricky…because she is a goddess. So use your judgement on this one.
5) Ovaries
I'm not sure why you brought the word ovaries into the conversation. Don't. Even if you're trying to say, "yeah, but you wouldn't really understand, because you don't have ovaries." it's not a good idea. He knows he doesn't have ovaries. Because he's a man. It's not a cute word. Don't say that…or intrauterine…or thrice. Which leads me to item number 6...
6) Talk.
Just don't talk.
Something else, just as a tip, if you can't find a rubber band, don't try to tie your hair up with a straw. You'll end up looking like MacGruber instead of MacGyver, which is fine, just not super sexy. For the record, I'm not giving these tips because I've done them personally…I'm just saying, they're all things that sound like a bad idea...
DO:
I really haven't gotten that far in my research. Patience.
In other news, I'm going to be back in California this time next week. My first course of action will be to drink Coffee Bean on the beach. The 805 won't know what hit it.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Angry wind and Thanksgiving vigilantes.
Fear not, y'all, I haven't blown away. There are so many things I've learned since moving to the Midwest and the best thing yet, is that they are so used to terrible weather that it doesn't even bother them, it just makes them mad because they know they're missing a game. I am not in that boat. I started writing my will. I left my $20k in debt to my parents. (End Will.) I met the sweetest older woman who was my guide through the whole thing and even ended up driving me home (I mean, once we got the OK.) I was stuck at church, which is probably the best place to be. Who wouldn't want to be surrounded by little angels and prayer warriors in the midst of a tornado? Well, apparently this is mild weather, so uh..thanks, Chicago for being gentle…?
Thanksgiving with the California orphans. What a blessing it will be. I'm so excited to have my baby cakes, Scotty here. The first night involved a lot of homework, Flat Top and frozen yogurt…and the explosion of all the vessels in my face. Do you have those there? I think you do. Well, mine exploded from the cold. brr. What I learned this week is that I'm super thankful for all the support I get from back home. I moved across the country, ok? Like…super far away. Far from the sun, the love, the light, the support, and the comfort that is my home. My adorable little LA apartment, my perfect roomie, and my family and friends only to come somewhere I don't know. Typically, people feel abandoned, and that could not be more opposite in my case. I have parents who love me unconditionally and people checking on me from Hawaii, Colorado, Texas, and all over! I'm not sure what I've done to deserve so many incredibly loving, gifted, supportive, talented people in my life, but I'm grateful everyday for them. I also realized that my friends and I are BORING. We just are. We like to watch TV, take walks, ride the train, drive places, read, talk….that's about it. That's the coolest. I'm so blessed and excited that I have friends that are just as boring as I am. My best friend and I were talking about both wanted to paint our nails the same color, and my day was made. It's the little things, guys. It really is.
Thanksgiving is over and now it's Christmas. It's Christmas from now until mid-February in my book and all the nay sayers can just shut their faces. I always get so irritated the weeks surrounding Thanksgiving. It's as if these little vigilantes start popping up from the ground and feel the need to fight for "Thanksgiving celebrations." NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THANKSGIVING ANY OTHER TIME. No one…that is, until they want you to slow down your Christmas lovin'. Well, now, that is no more. IT IS CHRISTMAS. Now, I'm grateful this Chicago winter is easing me in, because quite frankly, I'm not sure I'm ready for the abrupt change, but I"m leaving in 14 days and uh….there's been like, two days of snow flurries. GET IT TOGETHER, CHI-TOWN. I've been dreaming of a white Christmas for like…ever. and now I'm here…and nothing.
I did have the privilege of seeing Elf the Musical…just as incredible as it sounds. It is so cheesy and adorable, you can't help but smile. I'm never NOT excited for Christmas; it's not as though I need to have something put me in the Christmas spirit. If you were to tell me we were celebrating Christmas in April, I'd think that were the best idea ever, but there is something about seeing a movie or show that just sends me over the top. It's as if that is the switch and now all my Christmas merriment can be in full swing and here we are…in full swing. :)
Sad note: I am reading about Paul Walker's death and I'm hearing people talk about it and it breaks a piece of my heart each time I hear something new. It's odd how some people mourn the loss of someone they didn't know and really didn't care about until they were gone, and it's also funny how upset some people are by those people. Sometimes I wish we could all strip down news like that to the basics: A human lost his life.
The moment we stop being affected by news like that, we're doing something wrong.
Thanksgiving is over and now it's Christmas. It's Christmas from now until mid-February in my book and all the nay sayers can just shut their faces. I always get so irritated the weeks surrounding Thanksgiving. It's as if these little vigilantes start popping up from the ground and feel the need to fight for "Thanksgiving celebrations." NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THANKSGIVING ANY OTHER TIME. No one…that is, until they want you to slow down your Christmas lovin'. Well, now, that is no more. IT IS CHRISTMAS. Now, I'm grateful this Chicago winter is easing me in, because quite frankly, I'm not sure I'm ready for the abrupt change, but I"m leaving in 14 days and uh….there's been like, two days of snow flurries. GET IT TOGETHER, CHI-TOWN. I've been dreaming of a white Christmas for like…ever. and now I'm here…and nothing.
I did have the privilege of seeing Elf the Musical…just as incredible as it sounds. It is so cheesy and adorable, you can't help but smile. I'm never NOT excited for Christmas; it's not as though I need to have something put me in the Christmas spirit. If you were to tell me we were celebrating Christmas in April, I'd think that were the best idea ever, but there is something about seeing a movie or show that just sends me over the top. It's as if that is the switch and now all my Christmas merriment can be in full swing and here we are…in full swing. :)
Sad note: I am reading about Paul Walker's death and I'm hearing people talk about it and it breaks a piece of my heart each time I hear something new. It's odd how some people mourn the loss of someone they didn't know and really didn't care about until they were gone, and it's also funny how upset some people are by those people. Sometimes I wish we could all strip down news like that to the basics: A human lost his life.
The moment we stop being affected by news like that, we're doing something wrong.
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